Went to mysore today. Haven´t been on a mat 2-3 weeks (with couple of exceptions).
I really suck at Ashtanga. I´m like a train wreck on a mat. A pile of wobbly meat. I FALL OVER! I WHIMPER! I am all fun and fucking games! I can read, how everybody is in love with Ashtanga. Well, go to hell everybody! It is so much work. So much patience. So much focus. So much humility. It´s a challenge of my life.
Got into a quarrel with my teacher today. I was going into a Prasarita Padottanasana C, when I saw him targeting me across the room. CAN´T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!?
He: relax, breathe, relax, let it go, breathe, relax.
OH SHUT THE FUCK UP! ARE YOU A MANIAC?! DO YOU THINK I DON´T WANT TO RELAX?! NONONO! I LOOOVE STIFFNESS! I LOOOVE TENSION IN MY BACK! PLEASE DON´T MAKE IT GO AWAY!
He: breathe deeply, just relax, let it go
Me: I don´t know how
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
He: We´re staying here until you relax, even it it´s going to be your last pose today.
I AM GOING HOME RIGHT NOW !!!!
It´s really tough for me. I almost want to cry. Haven´t he heard about the Golden Rule?! When it´s difficult for you – give up! No, it doesn´t sound good. When it´s difficult – quit! OR!! When it´s difficult – just let it go (thank you, mr Yogateacher)!
It would be awful, if you´d learn something! OMG, it would be awful, if you´d learn something about yourself! I would rather die! Well, now I want to cry again.
Sometimes I feel like there´s a wall between me and Ashtanga and I just keep SMASHING into it. I think, if I could slow down a little, I´d slide right through, but I´m a BRING IT OOON! kind of girl, so I have no idea how to do it. Jesus Christ, now i want to cry AGAIN!
PS. I made up a new word during my practice: kirofucktor. And I am not going to apologize.