Category Archives: I am a yogi

Prizes for losers

Yes-yes, no big deal, I am taking up ashtanga again. I was hit by a truck, hence the 6-month gap in my practice. A lie. It was more like life.

We were thinking about buying a house. We selled our apartment. Moved. Were between homes. Bought a house. Moved again. Settled in. Journey of my life, I barely survived.

So. Here I am. New home. New environment. New life. Old me. Breathless, anxious, angry.

Back to ashtanga it is. Only medicine I know. Sadly. Fuck. Let me sleep, let me rest, let me be! Jesus. What is wrong with you!? Fortunately in ashtanga, there is no losers. At least not all the way through.  I lost my strength, my breath, flexibility, but not my set of mind. I can keep all the small lessons, that make every new start a little less painful. I have turned back to ashtanga so many times, that I´ve become an expert. It´s like this one weird IMPOSSIBLE computer game, where I got a badge for dying a thousand times. Not a lie.

Advertisements
Tagged ,

Backstabbing Mind

hitchcockOut of the blue, I couldn´t get into padmasana anymore. What the hell!? That´s something I could do from the day one on the mat! My dear Mrs. Jones was kind enough to remind me, that back in the days of no yoga and yes alcohol, I was able to walk on my knees, WHILE IN Lotos pose. Thank you, sister!

 

After getting this priceless piece of information, I just HAD TO try it the next day – Ladies and Gentelmen, I now have bruised knees, but I´ve proven my point.
 

So what the fuck happened?
 

I could say yes-yes, when my oh-so-tired mind says NO!, my body listens. But really?! What about, when my oh-so-excited mind says, WALK ON HANDS! My body would just be like, bitch, please…
 

Or wouldn´t it?
 

IS THERE A BRAVE NEW WORLD OUT THERE SOMEWHERE?!
 

 

Tagged ,

Chuck Norris of Asthanga Yoga

I am now a yoga student. Past 5 weeks I´ve practiced every day – almost without whinig (something new). I read from somewhere, that first month you are oh so paining, second you are oh so tired and third you are flyng.

I decided to give it a try,

Cause I want to fucking fly!

(I am a yoga student and a poet, thank you.)

  

Didn´t feel pain or soreness during the first month, so I was kind of assuming that this three-month-rule applies for babies and old people, I, of course, am Sparta, so straight to the flying part (WHOHOO!) !
 

Suddenly I feel OH-SO tired. I didn´t want to wake up today. At all.

     Please, let me sleep.

     No.

Already in my clothes.

     Let´s just lay down for a second.

     You can lay down for two minutes and that´s all.

     Maybe we should sleep in today.

     No.

     Let´s sleep for two hours, just today.

     NO. I know you, you sleep in today, you sleep in every day.

     Let´s go to an evening class.

     SO YOU COULD CURL UP IN YOUR OFFICE CHAIR AND SAY: “PLEASE, JUST LET ME GO
     HOOOOMEEEE.” ?!

  

I went to my morning class and it was so worth it.

 

PS. Chuck Norris is a vegan.
 

 

Continue reading

Tagged ,

Awesome Lobster And The Voracious Woman

vägev vähk ja täitmatu naineI was inspecting really intently a bookshelf at our yoga school. So very focused, when dealing with books, not focused at all, when dealing with ashtanga.

Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): Are you looking for something in particular?
Me (Awesome Lobster): I´m thinking of ordering this book and I hoped, that I could steal a look.
Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): Why´d you even want it?!
Me (Awesome Lobster): Still trying to figure out ujjay breathing and bandhas and stuff.
Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): Just do your practice, honey.
OH GO TO HELL!
Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): And here I am, learning how to forget all about the bandhas. Funny, how life is.
Me (Awesome Lobster): WHY would you do THAT?!
Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): But I´m pregnant! I thought everyone could tell it by now?!

 

Well, all I could tell was that you were just fatter than I.
 

GODDAMNIT !
 

Tagged , ,

Golden Rule

Went to mysore today. Haven´t been on a mat 2-3 weeks (with couple of exceptions).

I really suck at Ashtanga. I´m like a train wreck on a mat. A pile of wobbly meat. I FALL OVER! I WHIMPER! I am all fun and fucking games! I can read, how everybody is in love with Ashtanga. Well, go to hell everybody! It is so much work. So much patience. So much focus. So much humility. It´s a challenge of my life.

Got into a quarrel with my teacher today. I was going into a Prasarita Padottanasana C, when I saw him targeting me across the room. CAN´T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!?
Prasarita Padottanasana C

He: relax, breathe, relax, let it go, breathe, relax.

OH SHUT THE FUCK UP!  ARE YOU A MANIAC?! DO YOU THINK I DON´T WANT TO RELAX?! NONONO! I LOOOVE STIFFNESS! I LOOOVE TENSION IN MY BACK! PLEASE DON´T MAKE IT GO AWAY!

He: breathe deeply, just relax, let it go

Me: I don´t know how

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

He: We´re staying here until you relax, even it it´s going to be your last pose today.

I AM GOING HOME RIGHT NOW !!!!
 

It´s really tough for me. I almost want to cry. Haven´t he heard about the Golden Rule?! When it´s difficult for you – give up! No, it doesn´t sound good. When it´s difficult – quit! OR!! When it´s difficult – just let it go (thank you, mr Yogateacher)!

It would be awful, if you´d learn something! OMG, it would be awful, if you´d learn something about yourself! I would rather die! Well, now I want to cry again.

Sometimes I feel like there´s a wall between me and Ashtanga and I just keep SMASHING into it. I think, if I could slow down a little, I´d slide right through, but I´m a BRING IT OOON! kind of girl, so I have no idea how to do it.  Jesus Christ, now i want to cry AGAIN!

 

PS. I made up a new word during my practice: kirofucktor. And I am not going to apologize.
 

Tagged , , , ,

Top 10 reasons to skip your 6.30 AM mysore class.

 

I`ve polished these quite some time now. Hope they`ll come in handy.

 

1. I didn`t sleep well. No, forget well. I didn`t sleep AT ALL !

2. I`m having my period. Even better: my period just started.

3. I fell and omg now I have a shoulder injury. (Needless to say, there´s no need for an actual injury, you just have to BELIEVE it!)

4. Those muscles need to rest!

5. Well, I can always take an evening class.

6. No one finds out.

7. I DON`T NEED THIS SHIT !

8. Why bother, this day is doomed – I can feel it.

9. Just overdon`t once in your life, enough of overdoing !*

10. Can you hear it ?! I think it`s death coming.

 

*can only be used by Virgos (I`m sorry)

 

Tagged ,

I don`t want to go today

I am following couple of yoga-related blogs. People are like: “I`ve been working on my inversions” or “lately focusing more on my breath” – you can get the idea.

Well.

I am working really hard on getting on the damn mat.

Thank god, my mysore class starts at 6.30 AM, so I can get up at 5. I drag myself to the kitchen and sit for a while. Seemingly (e)motionless. Seemingly. Actually I`m feverishly making up reasons, why I shouldn`t go today (someday I´ll post my top ten, so you could try them too). It usually ends with an urge to stab myself in the eye with a fork (bitch, please!). Then I put my clothes on and go.

Haven`t missed a class.

Tagged , ,

A little late

bellaOne morning I was running late for work. Omg this is not happening. Somebody kill me now. Impossible. Why me. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

There comes my tram and I am not going to make it. Why the fuck did I have to slouch around in savasana so damn long?! What the fuck is wrong with me?! Oh yes, NO FUCKING SELF DISCIPLINE WHATSOEVER !

A first grader, who is walking just ahead of me, is making a run for it. I`m like: you poor thing, you are never going to catch it. And: ah, don`t you worry, time will teach. And: aren`t they cute, when they`re not thinking.

Of course, that little fucker made it. I was seven minutes late.

 

 

Tagged , ,

Brainstopping

trainspotting

I was waiting for my yoga class to start, when it suddenly hit me, that yoga and Trainspotting side-by-side are quite funny. So I took this photo.

I am not an optimist. I think. But when Renton heads to a new city, bag full of stolen money, i`m convinced that he is going to be just fine.

Hahahahaa.

Man is a heroine addict, who`s tried to get clean a thousand times, HE IS NOT GOING TO BE JUST FINE. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, GIRL !

Not true. He is going to be juuuust fineeee.

Tagged , ,