In the Woods

I remember this one day, I was really-really young and sent to my grandma´s place for the summer, my dad coming up the hill, I running towards him crying and he crying too, because we hadn´t seen each other in weeks.

All I wish from this life is that everything would have stayed just like that.

So now what?

 

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Awesome Lobster And The Voracious Woman

vägev vähk ja täitmatu naineI was inspecting really intently a bookshelf at our yoga school. So very focused, when dealing with books, not focused at all, when dealing with ashtanga.

Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): Are you looking for something in particular?
Me (Awesome Lobster): I´m thinking of ordering this book and I hoped, that I could steal a look.
Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): Why´d you even want it?!
Me (Awesome Lobster): Still trying to figure out ujjay breathing and bandhas and stuff.
Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): Just do your practice, honey.
OH GO TO HELL!
Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): And here I am, learning how to forget all about the bandhas. Funny, how life is.
Me (Awesome Lobster): WHY would you do THAT?!
Mrs Yogateacher (The Voracious Woman): But I´m pregnant! I thought everyone could tell it by now?!

 

Well, all I could tell was that you were just fatter than I.
 

GODDAMNIT !
 

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Honey Bee

kuldmedalToday I made pancakes for breakfast.

Tidied up the kitchen.

Went to a yoga class.

Cleaned our toilet, using just vinegar, lemon and baking soda.

Made risotto for dinner.

Depilated my legs.

Cleaned the kitchen AGAIN.

Changed bed-linen.

And made a gold medal to my boyfriend for me to give, when he comes home from work tomorrow, because I AM FUCKING AWSOME !!

 

 

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Golden Rule

Went to mysore today. Haven´t been on a mat 2-3 weeks (with couple of exceptions).

I really suck at Ashtanga. I´m like a train wreck on a mat. A pile of wobbly meat. I FALL OVER! I WHIMPER! I am all fun and fucking games! I can read, how everybody is in love with Ashtanga. Well, go to hell everybody! It is so much work. So much patience. So much focus. So much humility. It´s a challenge of my life.

Got into a quarrel with my teacher today. I was going into a Prasarita Padottanasana C, when I saw him targeting me across the room. CAN´T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!?
Prasarita Padottanasana C

He: relax, breathe, relax, let it go, breathe, relax.

OH SHUT THE FUCK UP!  ARE YOU A MANIAC?! DO YOU THINK I DON´T WANT TO RELAX?! NONONO! I LOOOVE STIFFNESS! I LOOOVE TENSION IN MY BACK! PLEASE DON´T MAKE IT GO AWAY!

He: breathe deeply, just relax, let it go

Me: I don´t know how

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

He: We´re staying here until you relax, even it it´s going to be your last pose today.

I AM GOING HOME RIGHT NOW !!!!
 

It´s really tough for me. I almost want to cry. Haven´t he heard about the Golden Rule?! When it´s difficult for you – give up! No, it doesn´t sound good. When it´s difficult – quit! OR!! When it´s difficult – just let it go (thank you, mr Yogateacher)!

It would be awful, if you´d learn something! OMG, it would be awful, if you´d learn something about yourself! I would rather die! Well, now I want to cry again.

Sometimes I feel like there´s a wall between me and Ashtanga and I just keep SMASHING into it. I think, if I could slow down a little, I´d slide right through, but I´m a BRING IT OOON! kind of girl, so I have no idea how to do it.  Jesus Christ, now i want to cry AGAIN!

 

PS. I made up a new word during my practice: kirofucktor. And I am not going to apologize.
 

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DIY Saturday

DerbyOnce upon a time in Tartu me and mrs Jones were having a DIY Saturday. It´s my second favorite kind of saturday after Slouch Around And Eat All Day Saturday.

We know, that A=2πr and that makes me a little sad. Nevertheless, it´s good to know, how much wire mesh to buy.

Mrs Jones: when diameter is 1m…

Me: one meter?! are you out of your mind?! when radius is 1m it´s going to be HUGE!

Mrs Jones: well, in that case, it´s rather good, that I was talking about diameter.

I booted up my good old friend mr calculator – you don´t want to hurt your head with higher mathematics.

Mr Calculator: 0,5*3,14*2=0

Mrs Jones´s expression: ZERO ?!

My expression: that´s just weird, man.

Mr Calculator: 0,5*3,14*2=3,14

Mrs Jones: is this a JOKE?!

Me: this is NOT possible!
 

Well it is possible. It is obvious even.

We desperately need a live audience, because otherwise it´s just a waste of good humiliation.
 

Hahaha. THERE´S NO WIRE MESH IN ANY HARDWARE STORE! Tough luck, sisters. Slouch Around All Day Saturday it is!

 

PS. I wanted to add a picture of me slouching around and eating all day, but then i noticed this little fucker on the floor, that had to be cut out of my hair yesterday (don´t you ever underestimate it´s tiny evil wheels). I would NEVER miss a chance to photoshop some bullet holes!

 

 

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Oat Flour

Oat FlourI bought a kilo of oat flour on monday?! I still haven´t figured out, what to do with it.  So. To stop my mindless spending for good, I´ve decided to kill myself, if I haven´t used it by the end of the week. It`s thursday. Can you hear a clock ticking?
 

PS. Yes. There are bullet holes in the oat flour. Spent three days and three nights photoshopping. I am very proud. And I need a drink.
 

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Ride of Shame

I work on the ninth floor in a house full of assholes, with whom I do my best to avoid any contact whatsoever – including the lift rides.

I wait patiently in the shadows as people get in and then I`ll make my move. I pretend to be just a tad late, so I could unfortunately call for the next one. I even do my “damn it !” expression. But.

Sometimes I hit the button half a second too soon and the doors, that were almost closed, jump open again. I just stand there, shock written all over my face, lift full of people staring at me and.

FAIL !

 

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Top 10 reasons to skip your 6.30 AM mysore class.

 

I`ve polished these quite some time now. Hope they`ll come in handy.

 

1. I didn`t sleep well. No, forget well. I didn`t sleep AT ALL !

2. I`m having my period. Even better: my period just started.

3. I fell and omg now I have a shoulder injury. (Needless to say, there´s no need for an actual injury, you just have to BELIEVE it!)

4. Those muscles need to rest!

5. Well, I can always take an evening class.

6. No one finds out.

7. I DON`T NEED THIS SHIT !

8. Why bother, this day is doomed – I can feel it.

9. Just overdon`t once in your life, enough of overdoing !*

10. Can you hear it ?! I think it`s death coming.

 

*can only be used by Virgos (I`m sorry)

 

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I don`t want to go today

I am following couple of yoga-related blogs. People are like: “I`ve been working on my inversions” or “lately focusing more on my breath” – you can get the idea.

Well.

I am working really hard on getting on the damn mat.

Thank god, my mysore class starts at 6.30 AM, so I can get up at 5. I drag myself to the kitchen and sit for a while. Seemingly (e)motionless. Seemingly. Actually I`m feverishly making up reasons, why I shouldn`t go today (someday I´ll post my top ten, so you could try them too). It usually ends with an urge to stab myself in the eye with a fork (bitch, please!). Then I put my clothes on and go.

Haven`t missed a class.

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Dragon Quest

Yes, there was a clock like this one on the wall

Yes, there was a clock like this one on the wall


Went to a dentist today (another crusade I started). Healthy teeth make me braver and god knows, I need to be brave in this world. 

My good doctor found the asshole that`s been hurting me and started poking it. JESUS CHRIST ?! 

“Wisdom tooth. It has to be pulled out.”
“Then pull it out.”
“I don`t do that, you have to go to…” 

WHAT THE HELL ?! YOU JUST WOKE A FUCKING DRAGON AND NOW YOU`RE SAYING, THAT YOU`RE NOT THE ONE SLAYING IT ?!? 

As your lawyer, I advise you to take back those words.

 

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